Signs

This week has been very consumed with editing the second part of my Orlando 2019 video, which is due to be uploaded to YouTube on Sunday at 6pm.

And boy has this video been a testing one, on many levels.

Firstly, it’s been hard looking back at the footage, I was not in a good place mentally during this trip and re-watching I had to face a lot of these issues. I will go into this in a lot more detail with the videos complimentary blog on Sunday but just know this has been emotional.

Coupled with this emotional torment and imposed self-therapy I have been absolutely plagued with technical issues. Not only did I record about 30 mins of speaking to camera footage detailing emotions and the ins and out of the holiday with no sound as I had the microphone turned off, but the edit also has ground to a snail’s pace due to the age of my Mac Book.

It’s like trying to run through quicksand!!!! After I have finished writing this, I need to go back to battle with it if I have any hope of getting this one out this weekend.

I know I need to invest in a new one but spending that much money on a single item scares me silly…. and the longer I put it off the longer I will be frustrated with editing process which is a process I actually love…… ahhhhhhhhhh.

Hey in years to come I may come to realise that this is another sign of how my brain works a uniquely.

Isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing. In hindsight now I see so many of signs that indicate my brain works a little bit different to the ‘norm’.

I kinda never felt like I fully fit in.

My obsessive nature, once I connect to something I need to know everything about it… everything!!!

Struggling in group situation.

Not liking to be touched.

Not being able to concentrate on tv shows without being distracted by playing with a ‘toy’ or something, kinda like the ‘white noise’ of a stimulus focused me. In Uni when I used to watch House every week with my friend anything that made noise distracted her from watching her favourite show so she used to give me her hand to play with as it was silent….. retrospect now tells me this was a form of stimming.

Getting over sensitised…. Now this one, I never understood I just knew that I would that I would come over feeling all strange. I can only liken it to being stood in the middle of a busy road, so much information rushing past you it deafens you.

I vividly remember going to an art exhibition and there was an installation piece that you walked through, it was made up of walls stuffed with magazines and lined with tv screens playing clips or showing static overlaid with radio stations, music tracks and other sounds being pumped in at different levels. Waves of panic and anxiety washed over me it felt like I was drowning. I remember the feeling in so much detail.

All the signs were there but without the knowledge and experience I just didn’t know how to read them.

Isn’t retrospect a wonderful thing!

We survived another week Outliers, lets enjoy the weekend.